g l o s s i n g s

notes in the margins

I went to Ocean City, Maryland this week with a girlfriend, on vacation. It was something new for me. Not going on vacation-that’s something I’ve done many times as a kid. The new was going with a girlfriend. It was a wonderful week. We talked, laughed, cried, drank, ate, and just hung out without having to be anywhere else.  She whooped my ass at 500 Rummy a few times, too, but that’s only because she makes up her own rules! And we came home early because she needed to. She has a lot of things in her life that need her attention and as much as it was lovely escaping, the reality is that you can’t escape until you attend to the important issues that need to be attended to.

Being an early riser, I was usually up and about by 6 am, and one morning I went down to the beach very early just to be close to the ocean and feel the cool morning sand on my feet. I collected a few seashells and let the foamy waves dance around my feet.  It was one of the most peaceful hours I’ve spent in a very long time. When I got back to the room I pulled out my notebook and this is what I wrote:

9.21.09
Ocean City, MD
The Carousel, Rm 2112

Went down to the beach today at 7am. It was quiet, bright, warm sun, cool sand, and the water felt good-comforting-as it flowed around my toes. The ebb and flow dropping perfect shells, sparkling jelly fish in the morning sun. A baby conch! And the imperfect-broken with tiny holes-like me. A keeper to remind me even the imperfect is beautiful. Light, airy and yet as solid as the unbroken. The waves spilling on the beach and then racing back to rejoin the body. Or were they pulled back resisting the inexorable force? My footprints, deep in the sand, washed clean, erased all evidence of me there. Does this ever get old?

There is something compelling about the ocean and I never tired of watching it. The night before we left to come home I made my final trek down to sit there, quietly in the dark.  The lights from the hotel at my back illuminated the path but didn’t intrude on the solitude. And I wasn’t alone. A woman named Sandy (Cassandria) joined me and we sat together for a bit, talking and laughing quietly as she made shadow pterodactyls with her hands.  She became part of the moment and the memories that I take from that week. A stranger who had the courage to stroll up and say “can I join you?” A half-hour, at most, and yet forever.

It was a wonderful week.

“You get what you give,” is a maxim I’ve believed in for quite a long time. I forget that often, until something happens to remind me. As I was reading some articles about unconditional love, and considering just how effective, not to mention possible, it is to simply give love without expectation, my thoughts ran back to some things that have happened in my own life over the past 6 months.

It’s been a difficult 6 months, in some respects, and in others it’s been an illuminating time for me.  I went through a very rough period with someone I considered a “best friend,” which caused me to feel hurt and angry. And I was both. At least, until I changed my expectations. When I let go of the anger and hurt, and stopped feeling neglected and trying to hold onto something that I felt wasn’t there any longer, I started to feel better.  That was huge for me.  What I didn’t realize, until later, is that it was huge for my friend as well. 

By letting go of the expectations, and accepting the changes in our relationship, I was able to be receptive when the opportunity to heal presented itself. It took some effort on my part to let that healing begin and it wasn’t without moments of negativity or distrust but the healing is taking place and I needed that to happen, for my heart and my spirit.

What I’ve also realized is that what you give is what you get.  But not necessarily the way it appears at first reading.  What I gave was needy and then what I got was my friend giving needy to someone else.  Perhaps it was what I needed to witness in order to see just what I was doing.  I might not have recognized it any other way.  Seeing my friend turn to another person with the same single-minded dedication with which I turned to her not only hurt and angered me, it confused me.  I felt like I was losing something that belonged to me; something I thought I could keep forever.

At first I tried almost frantically to keep her focus on me, and all that did was make her pull away even further.  Then I reacted to my hurt and anger by going into ignore mode.  She did not exist, even when she was in the same room.  She did, but I refused to let her know that.  I have a bad habit of withdrawing when I’m hurt and shutting out the person I feel hurt me.  I’m pretty good at it, too. The hurt and anger had become an insurmountable wall and breaching that wall was impossible for both of us.

It took time but gradually I sorted through the hurt and anger, and slowly I just let it go.  I accepted that she had moved on and our time had passed.  I realized that I have no control over how others feel or what others do.  The only person I have control over is myself.  That icy chill I was exuding started to thaw and while I did not try to resume the friendship, I did not avoid a reconciliation when it appeared. As a result, we are rebuilding our relationship, albeit with differences.

The friendship is, I think, actually stronger, and more evenly balanced.  What we went through took us from an unbalanced need-driven relationship to a balanced friendship between peers and adults who enjoy and support each other in all aspects.  It may take time to re-build the trust I had in her but I’m trying, although this time doing so with the knowledge that the only person I can really trust is myself. Removing expectations removes the possibility of failure to meet those expectations.   

As I look at the other relationships in my life I realize that I have been just as needy and fearful with them as I was with my friend.  I’ve tried too hard to force an outcome that may, or may not, happen.  And I have too many expectations for a “return on my investment,” so to speak. There are resentments and expectations that I need to remove. Resentment that s/he doesn’t appreciate what I have given them and an expectation that I should get back what I’ve given. 

If I let go of that fear that I won’t be the recipient of their love and affection, then what happens, happens and I’ll still be okay, inside.  Others cannot fail me if I don’t have an attachment to specifics; I just need to let be what will be and appreciate what I get without feeling it wasn’t enough.

Again, I cannot control how others feel or what they choose to do or not do.  I can only control myself.  I have to do what works for me and at the end of the day look in my own mirror and know that I was being who I am at my best.

I feel best when I give anything freely-love, gifts, time, laughter, attention, etc.  And yes, I’d love to have all of those things in return but it might not happen, and that has to be okay, too.  If it’s not then I haven’t “given” anything but rather I’ve simply loaned or put a down-payment on something that I expect a return from, without a guarantee. 

Love, affection, caring and concern just don’t come with guarantees. More importantly, if those things aren’t coming from the heart of someone then it is simply obligatory.  I don’t want to be an obligation.  What I want, what I need, is to be loved, cared for, and wanted because they do, not because they feel they have to. 

None of this is easy, by a long shot, and I have to work on it constantly, but it’s worth pursuing, because quite bluntly, it takes more effort being hurt and angry than it does to do things that make me feel good inside. Hurt and anger are exhausting.  It’s difficult to sleep and you feel drained constantly.  Who wants to be around someone who is miserable all the time?

I know I don’t.

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man. “   (Hamlet, I.iii, ll 78-80)

Shakespeare wrote that at the turn of the 16th century and this week I experienced the full impact of what he wrote.

I have a client whose business has been struggling with the failing economy, like so many others. Not realizing, at first, the full weight of the impact on him, I sent him a final invoice, as normal, requesting payment in full.  This is typical for me to do and I’ve never had a problem with him paying his account.  All of a sudden my emails were being read but not responded to and it would take me multiple emails and voice mail messages to hear anything back and then what I heard were promises of payment that never panned out.  For 3 months this went on.

Finally, last week, I wrote him again.  This time, however, I put away my “business” tone and just wrote him the way I would a friend.  I wrote from my heart, and I didn’t bother trying to sound “professional.” I didn’t threaten, I didn’t beg, I just communicated.  I expressed to him my concern about not hearing from him and wanting to find a way for us to work out the account.  I felt good when I hit the Send button because I knew I’d been sincere and hoped that I opened a channel to a person who has integrity.

A week went by without a response.

Then yesterday I received an email from him explaining that he, too, is waiting for payment from one of his clients and if he gets it he’ll send me some money.  The mere fact that he took time, after a week, to write me and explain made me feel good about what I’d written. Now, knowing that he is struggling, the same way so many others are, I’m going to do what I’d want done. I am going to trust.  I’m going to add no further late charges, and if he needs more work done I’ll do it.

I know it’s not supposed to be “good business practice,” and there is a risk that I’ll never get paid but I understand all too well how hard it is to make ends meet.  This client has always settled his account in the past and I believe he will in the future.  He also may be like me.  I don’t respond well to threats or coercion but I’ll work hard to meet obligations to those who understood and helped me during trying times.

I believe, ultimately, it won’t be a stimulus package, or a recovery bill, that will bring us out of this mess we’re in but rather it will be people helping people in whatever ways they can.  Those who can give money, will; those who can’t will find other ways to help ease the burden, perhaps like myself by taking small amounts over a longer time without heaping on penalties.  We all want to get back to prosperity but right now maybe we have to help each other stay the course so that when the economy recovers we can then realize prosperity together.

The best way for me to do that is to give myself permission to be myself, professionally, more than to be what everyone else says a professional should be.