Getting What You Give
Tue ,28/07/2009“You get what you give,” is a maxim I’ve believed in for quite a long time. I forget that often, until something happens to remind me. As I was reading some articles about unconditional love, and considering just how effective, not to mention possible, it is to simply give love without expectation, my thoughts ran back to some things that have happened in my own life over the past 6 months.
It’s been a difficult 6 months, in some respects, and in others it’s been an illuminating time for me. I went through a very rough period with someone I considered a “best friend,” which caused me to feel hurt and angry. And I was both. At least, until I changed my expectations. When I let go of the anger and hurt, and stopped feeling neglected and trying to hold onto something that I felt wasn’t there any longer, I started to feel better. That was huge for me. What I didn’t realize, until later, is that it was huge for my friend as well.
By letting go of the expectations, and accepting the changes in our relationship, I was able to be receptive when the opportunity to heal presented itself. It took some effort on my part to let that healing begin and it wasn’t without moments of negativity or distrust but the healing is taking place and I needed that to happen, for my heart and my spirit.
What I’ve also realized is that what you give is what you get. But not necessarily the way it appears at first reading. What I gave was needy and then what I got was my friend giving needy to someone else. Perhaps it was what I needed to witness in order to see just what I was doing. I might not have recognized it any other way. Seeing my friend turn to another person with the same single-minded dedication with which I turned to her not only hurt and angered me, it confused me. I felt like I was losing something that belonged to me; something I thought I could keep forever.
At first I tried almost frantically to keep her focus on me, and all that did was make her pull away even further. Then I reacted to my hurt and anger by going into ignore mode. She did not exist, even when she was in the same room. She did, but I refused to let her know that. I have a bad habit of withdrawing when I’m hurt and shutting out the person I feel hurt me. I’m pretty good at it, too. The hurt and anger had become an insurmountable wall and breaching that wall was impossible for both of us.
It took time but gradually I sorted through the hurt and anger, and slowly I just let it go. I accepted that she had moved on and our time had passed. I realized that I have no control over how others feel or what others do. The only person I have control over is myself. That icy chill I was exuding started to thaw and while I did not try to resume the friendship, I did not avoid a reconciliation when it appeared. As a result, we are rebuilding our relationship, albeit with differences.
The friendship is, I think, actually stronger, and more evenly balanced. What we went through took us from an unbalanced need-driven relationship to a balanced friendship between peers and adults who enjoy and support each other in all aspects. It may take time to re-build the trust I had in her but I’m trying, although this time doing so with the knowledge that the only person I can really trust is myself. Removing expectations removes the possibility of failure to meet those expectations.
As I look at the other relationships in my life I realize that I have been just as needy and fearful with them as I was with my friend. I’ve tried too hard to force an outcome that may, or may not, happen. And I have too many expectations for a “return on my investment,” so to speak. There are resentments and expectations that I need to remove. Resentment that s/he doesn’t appreciate what I have given them and an expectation that I should get back what I’ve given.
If I let go of that fear that I won’t be the recipient of their love and affection, then what happens, happens and I’ll still be okay, inside. Others cannot fail me if I don’t have an attachment to specifics; I just need to let be what will be and appreciate what I get without feeling it wasn’t enough.
Again, I cannot control how others feel or what they choose to do or not do. I can only control myself. I have to do what works for me and at the end of the day look in my own mirror and know that I was being who I am at my best.
I feel best when I give anything freely-love, gifts, time, laughter, attention, etc. And yes, I’d love to have all of those things in return but it might not happen, and that has to be okay, too. If it’s not then I haven’t “given” anything but rather I’ve simply loaned or put a down-payment on something that I expect a return from, without a guarantee.
Love, affection, caring and concern just don’t come with guarantees. More importantly, if those things aren’t coming from the heart of someone then it is simply obligatory. I don’t want to be an obligation. What I want, what I need, is to be loved, cared for, and wanted because they do, not because they feel they have to.
None of this is easy, by a long shot, and I have to work on it constantly, but it’s worth pursuing, because quite bluntly, it takes more effort being hurt and angry than it does to do things that make me feel good inside. Hurt and anger are exhausting. It’s difficult to sleep and you feel drained constantly. Who wants to be around someone who is miserable all the time?
I know I don’t.
